As a couples counselor at Solid Foundations Therapy in Downers Grove, I encourage couples every day to stop and schedule time to connect. There’s nothing magic about Valentine’s Day—but it’s good to have a reason to get out and spend time together! And if you know Valentine’s Day is important to your partner, that’s an even better reason to plan a date.

A lot of couples who come to Solid Foundations Therapy for counseling usually cite frustration with their partner as one of the major issues they face. We have found that often times this frustration stems from unmet expectations.

Expectations play a huge role in life and relationship satisfaction. Whenever our expectations are met we are happy, however any time our expectations are unmet we experience disappointment, hurt or anger.  Couples who are frustrated say things like ‘You weren’t very supportive of me when I quit my job to freelance’ or ‘You didn’t plan any special activity for our anniversary’.  These comments highlight covert and unmet expectations. Constantly feeling like our expectations aren't met can lead to resentment and create an unhappy relationship.

You’ve probably heard this a thousand times, but here it is again: Relationships are tough and they require constant work. In my office in Downers Grove I have a quote on a wall from Theodore Roosevelt that states "Nothing worth having was ever achieved without effort".  I'm consistently referencing it with my clients.  To have high marital satisfaction, you and your partner have to be ready to put in the work every single day, and one way to do this is through constant honest evaluation of your relationship.

Henry Wadsworth Longfellow is famous for having said, “Into each life some rain must fall,” meaning life is always going to throw us some heartache. This same sentiment can be said about relationships. It's impossible to consistently be at a ten in relationship satisfaction.  Into each relationship some irritability, frustration and overall blah-ness tends to fall.

If you’ve ever been in a romantic relationship, you know firsthand how frustrating it can be. Once two people start sharing more and more time together, perhaps even begin living under the same roof, arguments are bound to happen from time to time.

Sure, you both started out on your best behavior – you both believed the other could do no wrong. But as the days, weeks and months passed, and as the shiny newness of the relationship wore off, that’s when the arguments and bickering began.

Do you find you accept responsibility for a loved one’s emotions or actions? Are you constantly trying to please others? Do you neglect your own needs and have difficulty setting realistic personal boundaries? Do you often feel resentful yet have difficulty stepping away from a dysfunctional relationship?

These are some of the symptoms of codependency. Codependent people look for external cues from others to tell them what they should feel, need and act like. While most would agree that sensitivity to others is a wonderful trait, codependents take it to an extreme because of an inability to create healthy boundaries.

As a Marriage and Family Therapist, I often have a front row seat to relationship miracles. Well, okay, there are no miracles really. The fact is “fixing” a relationship takes work. It takes two people wanting it to work and then putting in the effort.

Having said that, I have seen couples go from nearly ending it to being back in love, and liking and respecting each other.

Quick question: Do you like yourself?

When asked this question, most people respond by saying something like, “Of course I like myself.” While their words say they like themselves, what do their actions say?

Are you someone who’s comfortable in your own skin? Are you happy with your appearance, or are you constantly comparing yourself to others, wishing you could be more like them? When you look in the mirror, what do you see? A superstar, or someone who doesn’t quite live up to your own expectations?

Many authors, from Viktor Frankl to Deepak Chopra, have discussed the importance of living a purposeful life. It is purpose that allows us to transcend ourselves and create meaningful moments. Frankl believed that a pursuit in meaning in life is far more important than the pursuit of happiness, as meaning connects us to our past, present and future.

Discovering that your partner has been unfaithful can feel devastating. On top of the unspeakable pain from the sexual betrayal are the lies they have told – either through words or by their silence. It is common for people to feel completely lost once they discover the infidelity and not know how to feel or react to the situation. The individuals come to us for affair recovery are often spinning after an affair has been uncovered. They are often angry, hurt, exhausted and looking to us to provide them with some direction.  One of our first is to help them gain some of their footing again and start evaluating their options.

Thanks to Hollywood, many couples have been led to believe the secret to reconnecting and rekindling the passion is through a Caribbean cruise, sports cars, or jewelry. But the reality is, once there’s a disconnect between partners, gifts and vacations simply won’t cut it.

It may seem counterintuitive, but love is mended not through grandiose deeds, but through small acts of kindness; through the seemingly micro-moments. It is in these moments when we have a choice to listen to our partner and love them.

It is said we fear the unknown, which is why many people shy away from receiving therapy. It can be intimidating walking into your therapist’s office for the very first time, not knowing what to expect.

On the flip side, some people assume they know everything about therapy, maybe from movies or tv,  and are then quite surprised when receiving treatment.

Whether conducted in the United States or far off lands, many surveys find the number one reason for divorce is poor communication. While couples are often talking to each other they aren't often truly hearing what the other person is truly trying to say. Beyond having different communication styles, issues often arise when one or both partners are not comfortable talking about their feelings. A big part of our job in couples therapy is to help couples learn how to mesh their communication styles, tolerate talking about feelings and hear each other.

Have you ever wondered why some marriages last decades while others barely go two years? Why do some couples thrive and grow together while others crash and burn?

The secret? There are three secrets, actually; three ingredients to a happy and successful marriage. Without all three of these, many couples will struggle to remain connected and committed. Good news is every person can learn and implement these secrets at any time to improve their marriage.

No matter how many times they were warned, few new parents are prepared for the life-changing event of the birth of their first child. Your time is no longer yours and at times it may feel like you will never get back to the hobbies or self-care activities that you once enjoyed. Relaxing with a glass of wine after work, sleeping in on Saturday, impromptu dates and dinners with friends become replaced with sleepless nights and endless diaper changes.

Blame and game – two words that should never be joined together. The truth is, the blame game is no fun to play and there are never any winners. And, perhaps, the biggest loser of all is the one who is doing all the blaming. When we blame others, we lose our power. Remaining stuck in our feelings of anger, resentment or abandonment only hurts us, not the other person. They eventually move on while we continue our lives feeling mad at the entire world!